What this is

Goldilocks is a guide to fantasy toys that actually fit. Bodies aren't one-size, and neither are toys — but most shops still sell on vibes and hero shots. We collect the numbers that matter (girth at several points, true usable length, firmness in plain English) from the figures each maker publishes. Scheduled jobs revisit known listings for price and stock. Older listings can have older checks; confirm availability on the maker's site before buying.

We catalogue every maker we can verify pours platinum-cure silicone. Listing is not endorsement: we don't rank makers, and where we've formed an opinion, it's marked as an opinion.

We are not a shop. We hold no stock, take no listing fees, and sell nothing. Every "buy" link goes straight to the maker.

How we earn

When affiliate programmes exist with the makers we cover, buying through our links can earn us a small commission — at no extra cost to you. That is the whole business model. Three things it never buys:

• Placement. No maker can pay to appear, rank higher, or look better. The fit engine and quiz rank on specs alone.
• Numbers. Measurements come from makers' published figures and, over time, owners' calipers. Commissions can't bend either.
• Silence. If a listing's spec doesn't survive community measurement, the page says so — commission or not.

Right now, none of the makers we track runs an affiliate programme with us, so today's links earn nothing at all. The affiliate disclosure keeps the current state of play written down, and every affiliate link will be labelled inline when they exist.

Where the numbers come from

Specs start as the maker's own published figures, collected by GoldilocksBot. Signed-in owners can submit measurements. We label maker figures and owner measurements separately; an empty owner column means nobody has supplied that measurement yet. Our measurement method explains the process.

Who checks the comparisons

The Goldilocks desk maintains the catalogue and source notes. Our comparisons use published specifications, not hands-on tests of every toy. The firmness table distinguishes maker claims, reviewer measurements, reviewer estimates and community reports. Disagreements stay visible, and corrections can be sent through our contact page.

Privacy, briefly

No third-party trackers, no ad pixels, no real-name fields anywhere — accounts are pseudonymous by design, and emails get plain, discreet subject lines. The full privacy page has the rest.

Talk to us

Spotted a wrong number, a dead link, or a maker we should cover? Tell us — corrections are the whole point of the project.